A Big Step.

I put all of our adoption paperwork away today. Way up high in my closet on a shelf where I cannot even reach it unless I stand on a chair.  For me, this is an admission of defeat.  I was so sad.   My big accordion file stuffed with dossier documents has been proudly sitting at the side of my desk downstairs. It has been there for 3 years just gathering dust. Sitting there waiting so everything would be easier for me to find when I started adoption number two.  All of the important stuff that is needed for a dossier is in that file.  Putting this file box away was not an easy thing for me to do at all.  I felt resentment and anger doing this.  I feel like a door has been slammed in my face. 

Down, but not defeated entirely, though.  Lent this year for me is going to be a season of gratefulness for what I have now, not about the child I cannot bring home.  Thankfulness and gratitude for the life and family I have.  For now, I will focus on those things.  (No one can stop me from looking at the cuties on Reece's Rainbow though, no matter what)  Those kids are never far from my thoughts.  Wish me luck, it may be a tough road ahead. Old habits are hard to break.   

Just to make me feel better, I am going to eat a huge carne asada burrito this weekend--South Beach Diet-- be darned!!  I can't wait!