I dropped Nick at pre-school for his first day last Wednesday and it really made me sad. I lingered around and watched him through the window. I had such a hard time leaving. Nick, on the other hand, was happy as can be, he has missed his little friends and his teachers. It was a long morning for me. I ran some errands and treated myself to a pedicure. I was so happy to pick him up when 12:00 finally rolled around. I was just so darn excited to see him. What a weird feeling, having 3 and a half hours to myself. I guess I will just have to get used to it. I have plenty of things I should be doing with that 3 hours....I just have not made myself do them, exercise, cleaning, organizing photos, etc. etc. All of the things that sound so productive and that I have been putting off for the last 10 years could surely take up a mere 9 hours a week.
The other kids are settling in nicely to the routines of 1st, 4th and 5th grades. There is a little more homework for the older 2 and Claire stays at school for an extra hour. They seem to have it all figured out. They come home and get started on their homework right away. I do not need to even say anything. I think they want to get their homework done and over with so they can get to their sports. Sophie has been wanting to hang out more with her school friends since they have been spending more time together during school hours. The little girls are always trying to arrange "playdates." Even Nicholas is now going over to the neighbor's house to play with his buddy, or his buddy will come here to play. The pool fence is down, he is swimming like a little champ.
I guess what I am so reluctant to admit is that my kids are growing up and away. They do not need me as much anymore. I think I am just trying to find my new place. The fact that they are independent and well-adjusted must mean that I am doing something correctly--right? I still feel gloomy and un-needed. I think I am the one who is the most reluctant to get a new schedule in place. I am the one that resists change. I need a kick in the pants!!
My discussions (pleas) with my husband to start another adoption have fallen on deaf ears. He is just not ready. I think that is another root of my sadness. He has at times, told me that he will consider another adoption. Other times, like last night, he is not open to even discussing it. I do not know what my best course of action should be at this point. We will have a visit from the Social Worker soon for Nick's last post-placement report. I think I will try to keep my mouth shut about adoption until we need to get that report written up and sent off to Russia for the last time. That is our very last piece of paperwork to do. His adoption will be entirely complete.
I can imagine that most people who read this little "boo-hoo" session would say that I need to
GET A LIFE. In reality I have a life. It is centered around being a wife and a mother. Being a wife and mother has been my identity for the last 11 years. Now, my identity needs to be changed up a bit, maybe just a little tweak. I have no doubt that I eventually will find my way. I still have a few interests. I am pretty sure I still possess a few skills besides changing diapers and making up funny songs. I can organize a mean car-pool schedule, juggle 4 kids with multiple sports and extra-curriculars. I know a lot about international adoption, probably more than anyone would ever believe. I have everyone's vaccinations (including doggy's) up to date. I can cook a gourmet meal and organize a top-notch birthday party, I can plan a perfect vacation, I can hold a position on the PTA. Heck....I think I may be qualified to run for vice president. Alas, I am nowhere as cute as Sarah Palin, and I have not attempted being governor of California, though most people in our state might rather have me than Arnold, he is not very popular right now. I do find politics interesting.
What this all leads to is: Change is in the air for me. I am not sure what that will mean exactly, but it is the direction in which my mind is headed. I am open to any and all suggestions.
P.S. This may all change tomorrow, maybe my peri-menopausal hormones are just acting up.
9 comments:
you sound like an awesome mom and wife!!!! keep up the good work! your new routine and freedom will quickly get filled up! soon you will think i need more time by myself! at least that is what i think as the pickup from school time rolls around. i'm probably just more selfish than you! :) anyways, you sound awesome. i can learn a thing or two from you! hang in there :)
maybe you should homeschool...I am seriously considering this avenue. i love being with all of my kids in the summer and feel very blue when school starts. i feel like my family is off in different directions and it doesn't feel right to me. they like school,love their teacher but if they had to pick they would be homeschooled. i am still in a funk
and have not got into the rhythm
of school.
your kids are blessed to have mom that misses them....your awesome
Christy and I had the same thought! "Sounds like a homeschooler to me!"
Or....pray. Maybe your husband will agree to another adoption if you make life sweet enough.
I do understand your feelings...and I have a full-time job! So it isn't just being "bored". It is "need to nurture"!
I always go through a funk at the beginning of fall-and I do homeschool. I think I just have issues with the seasons changing-even though fall is my favorite. I bet you'll feel better in a week or two.
It's hard isn't it? I get it.
It's difficult to see a time in our lives go by. Especially when we're not quite ready for it.
As difficult and in limbo it does seem, it's going to be cool to see what God does next or how you so beautifully put it, "What Now?"
I can relate to this post. Just keep praying that your husband will come around.
don't be blue!! as you said, change is in the air. i think you should get a horse.
I was both happy and sad to read this post. Happy because now I know I'm not a weirdo, and sad because now I know it will get harder once my kids are all in "big girl" school. My baby will start pre-school in September, three mornings a week from 9 - 1:30, her next sister will be in school five mornings a week and big sister is going off to the intermediate school until 4:00 every day. The mere thought of all this has me curling up in a ball in tears on the sofa. I just don't know what I'll do with all that time without some little people to take care of. I miss them terribly even if I'm in the grocery store without them, I long to lean over the shopping cart and kiss the chubby cheek of my baby, sitting in the seat. How do we let them grow up without losing our minds (and breaking our hearts?)
Thank you for writing this...I am in the same place and struggle everyday with it. I was able to forget about it over the summer but with the change in weather and the kids going back to school I really feel like I have sunk back into this mode. HELP! I want to adopt so bad but my husband is in the same place yours is. :(
Post a Comment